Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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