We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
