my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
