how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
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