Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
