I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
