I cannot find my penis.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
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One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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