I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
