Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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