Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
