my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
