I met the friendliest cop last night
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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