i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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