Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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