i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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