we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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