the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
