She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
