I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You made out with two different species that night
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
