Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
