if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
