i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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