bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
