I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
