dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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