I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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