When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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