She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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