I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
