i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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