So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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