Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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