The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
