I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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