I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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