youre lurking in front of me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
