Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
