This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
