I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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