I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
