My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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