I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.