so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
