They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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