Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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