My friends, they love my intelligence
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
