I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
