Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
