i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
