She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
