listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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