The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
