his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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