my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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