I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
