I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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