were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
