Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
