2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
