I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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